The Church of Beaver Cleaver

Anon

(OFFICIAL DOCUMENTS)
THE FOUNDING AND DOCTRINE
"I THUNK ABOUT IT"
THE CHURCH OF BEAVER CLEAVER

A Modern evolutionary synthesis of religious and political thought as imbodied in WARD CLEAVER and the interpersonal relationships of the Cleaver household

THE ETERNAL TRIAD made up of WALLY, BEAVER and EDDIE

                               BEAVER
                               |\
                               | \
                               |  \
                               |   \
                               |    \
                               |     \
                               |      \
                               |       \
                       WALLY   |________\  EDDIE

The Supreme Duo made up of WARD & JUNE

THE VISION OF THE SQUARED CIRCLE

On the evening of January 9th, 1981, The two Elders of the CHURCH OF BEAVER CLEAVER, Rev. Elvon Prezton and Rev. Solomon Bombay, at that time two misguided and lazy mugs, were watching Wrestling on cable T.V. and drinking coffee. Just as the American Dream, DUSTY RHOADES was discussing in vivid and glowing terms his next opponent with nationally syndicated wrestling commentator GORDON SOLLIE, the set went blank and started to emit a bright cobalt blue beam of light. The two Elders were held transfixed in the ray and astrally transported into the circuits of the Quasar television where they met with the Prophet LARRY MONDELLO inside a bogus silicon chip.

In the elapsed earth time of 2 minutes, the Prophet showed the Elders every episode of LEAVE IT TO BEAVER including some rare outtakes and imparted both Esoteric and the Exoteric philosophy of WARD. The prophet Larry also revealed the HIDDEN SECRET which is known on earth only by the Elders and can be only hinted at presently because of certain worldwide preparations to be made before the time is right for unveiling.

The Elders found themselves in front of the television with an extremely unpleasent case of sunburn. Although only two minutes had passsed by the clock, they had actually been with the Prophet for 6 years. The Elders finoshed watching Wrestling and began to disassemble the television in search of the chip. Needless to say the chipo was never found and they couldn't put the set back together, so they bought a new one at a Motel furnishing sale. Late that night the Elders drew up the charter of the CHURCH OF BEAVER CLEAVER.

DESCRIPTION AND FUNCTIONS OF THE SUPREME DUO

WARD is the paternal eity. He is the head of the household and is in charge of creating and controlling the social and moral reality constructs. His complementary partner is JUNE, the matriarchal deity. JUNE functions to help maintain the structure of reality and through her intuitive powers spots potential trouble spots. WARD and JUNE are two seperate beings that act as one. They each have certian qualities that the other is lacking and through this combination they have achieved a state of balance.

The SUPREME DUO is represented by two interlocking circles. The circle by it's very nature indicates a complete or whole cycle, or more precisely, the linear expositi9on of an infinite event. The two circles are each shown as possessing a polarity. The shaded areas are where the polarities are integrated and actually become greater than the sume of the two seperate components.

This shaded area (the INTEGRATED POLARITY ELEMENT) is the secret power zone of the SUPREME DUO.

It must be pointed out that there are FIVE conceptual deities and therefore in accordance with the esoteric law of FIVES.

DESCRIPTION AND FUNCTION of the ETERNAL TRIAD

The Eternal Traid should be pictured as a right triangle. The BEAVER is placed in the uppermost angle point. Beaver is the embodiment of the pure man or innocent pure being. In the lower 45 degree angle point is placed EDDIE HASKELL. Eddies role is that of the deceiver, the tempter and in a deeper sense, the essence of evil. Located in the final angle point is WALLY. WALLY acts as a mediator between BEAVER and EDDIE. Because of his close relationship with both, he holds a deep understanding of the intrinsic nature of the BEAVER and EDDIE archetlypes. In the role of older brother his duty is to guide the BEAVER to do the right thing in the face of tempation. In the role of best friend his duty to be both advisor and socializing factor to EDDIE. The mathematical formula of the ETERNAL TRIAD is BEAVER 45 degree plus EDDIE 45 degrees equals WALLY 90 degrees (45 + 45 = 90) This is not to imply that WALLY is in any way superior to BEAVER or EDDIE but is a matter for a deeper level of consideration.

THE DOCTRINAL LOGO OF THE CHURCH OF BEAVER CLEAVER

The symbolic representation of the SUPREME DUO is two interlocking circles and should be rightly placed above the triangularization of the ETERNAL TRIAD.

DO YOU BELIEVE IN PROSPERITY???
WHAT HAPPENED TO
THE AMERICAN SPIRIT??
DO YOU REMEMBER MORALS??
The CHURCH OF BEAVER CLEAVER answers question to todays problems with it's declaration of the creed;

"I BELIEVE IN THE BEAVE"
BEAVER AND UFO'S!!
-ELECTROMAGNETIC BRAIN SCANS-
WHO REALLY SHOT J.F.K.???
WHAT DID WARD REALLY DO IN W.W. II ??

c 1982  C.O.B.C.